Drawing on the parable of the two wolves, this blog explores how to compassionately feed your healthy self, not your eating disorder self.
I enjoy listening to the thought-provoking discussions on The One You Feed podcast.
At the start of each episode, Eric Zimmer asks his guests to reflect on the parable of the two wolves.
The parable of the two wolves
The Cherokee parable of the two wolves tells of a grandparent talking with their grandchild. They share, “In life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, representing kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, representing greed, jealousy and fear.”
The grandchild thinks about it, looks up at their grandparent and asks, “Which one wins?”
The grandparent responds, “The one you feed”.
It is an interesting parable to reflect on with respect to eating disorders.
How do we feed our ‘healthy self’ (the ‘good wolf’), not the ‘eating disorder self’[1] (the ‘bad wolf’), in recovery?
I believe it is about where we place our attention and ascribe meaning.
The fear of ‘not enoughness’
In a recent interview on The One You Feed, Dr Jan Lundy, a counsellor, shared her reflections on this parable that feels particularly relevant here. She described the good wolf as our essence (the truth of who we are), aligned with qualities such as compassion, kindness, generosity, peace, joy, simplicity, service and love. When we listen to this voice, she suggests, it benefits not only us but also those around us.
She contrasted this with the bad wolf, which she described as the voice of our small, insecure, fearful self. This voice is often reinforced by the wider culture: the constant messages to do more, be more, never be satisfied, to doubt our inner truth, and to fear that we are never enough (as is the case with diet culture). Listening to this voice creates pain and suffering, both for ourselves and for others.
When we think about eating disorders through this lens, the eating disorder ‘voice’ can be understood as closely aligned with that fearful, insecure wolf. Not because it is evil, but because it is driven by fear, control and the belief that safety comes from rigidity and certainty. With that in mind, I believe that:
what we want to do in eating disorder recovery is strengthen the healthy self and reduce the reliance on the eating disorder self.
Feeding the healthy self
So how do we strengthen the healthy self?
The healthy self is strengthened, literally, through regular and adequate nourishment. However, it is also strengthened through uncovering meaning, self-care and purpose in life; by feeding that side of ourselves.
Often, the eating disorder, although a mental health illness with harmful and life-threatening behaviours and physical consequences, is strengthened by qualities and traits that can be redirected toward healthy behaviours. For example, someone might be highly determined, detail-oriented, cautious, or have a sceptical or questioning mind. These traits may have strengthened the eating disorder, where the eating disorder served the protective role of keeping someone safe and in ‘control’. However, once safety is reinstated, these traits can be redirected toward recovery to strengthen the healthy self.
Many people fear that recovery will mean losing part of themselves that they believe is the eating disorder, without realising that these strengths already exist within them and can be applied to anything: either to the eating disorder self or to the healthy self. You can choose the one you feed.
Paying attention to what we feed, rather than fighting the ‘bad wolf’
The intention is not to fight against the eating disorder (which has proven itself a determined and formidable wolf). Instead, through turning our attention to meaning, purpose and values aligned with the healthy self, we’re showing the eating disorder self that it no longer has a role to play, and that we don’t need it in the way we once did.
So instead of diminishing the bad wolf, saying it’s bad, fighting it, resisting it, or putting it down, we can say: Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting me and for protecting me. Thank you for helping me survive. But I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need your anger, your fear or your control anymore.
Because fighting and resisting parts of ourselves only strengthen them.
Conversely, when we can accept and acknowledge these ‘voices’, they begin to lose their power. From there, we can gently and intentionally direct our attention toward the things that support our healthy self.
So for me, this parable ultimately invites us to pay attention. To notice which ‘voice’ we are listening to and which part of ourselves we are choosing to feed.
Choose recovery. Choose to feed your healthy self.
[1] The concept of healthy self versus eating disorder self originates from the work of Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder: Effective Strategies from Therapeutic Practice and Personal Experience.
